There comes a moment in every great nation's history when it must ask itself a hard question. A question that cuts to the very soul of civilised society. A question upon which the prosperity, dignity, and international standing of the entire country depends.
That question is: do we have enough ballroom?
The answer, and we say this with the gravest possible solemnity, is no. Emphatically, heartbreakingly, embarrassingly no.
We have looked at our current event spaces and found them wanting. The chandeliers are merely adequate. The gold accents are, if we are being honest, silver at best. Foreign dignitaries have reportedly suppressed smirks. One ambassador (we shall not name which country) was overheard using the word "cosy." Cosy.
We are calling for the construction of the most magnificent, most opulent, most gold-encrusted ballroom the world has ever seen. A ballroom so dazzling that photographs cannot do it justice. A ballroom whose chandeliers will be visible from space. A ballroom that says to the world: we have our priorities absolutely, completely, unambiguously sorted.
Yes, there are those (small-minded, unpatriotic individuals) who will ask about healthcare waiting lists. About crumbling bridges. About arts programmes quietly defunded for a decade. About the water infrastructure reports sitting unread on various desks since 2019.
To those people, we say: have you considered the chandeliers?
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